God is always faithful. His word is ever true.

God is always faithful. His word is ever true.

And sometimes we're dumb. Sometimes we are just not satisfied with the way our lives look. We tend to think everything around us is to blame, but oh! no, no it's not.

And God is always faithful. His word is ever true.

He loves you--enough to tell you that you're wrong. He doesn't condemn, but in that same swiftness comes the right answer. He just gives it to you, even if you don't give the thought enough to get it yourself, then He will give it to you through the people in your life that He gave you as well. So, praise God for leadership. It doesn't take much really. Just stop thinking about your own pleasure for a while. Don't watch a movie, go get in His word and pray. Honestly, your delight is really in the Lord. You know it is. That's when you really feel good, right? In His presence....ah, just thinkin about it oughta make ya feel betta. It's awesome! You're just alone with your Maker, and He's all yours! Beautiful. He really loves you. So He instructs you. Here's the point: I'm at this awesome church, and I know for sure that it's God. My pastors are incredible. Genuine, and their calling, anointing, and vision are just right. I'm amazed...wow! and excited- I'm right where I'm supposed to be. I'm growing and gaining life long relationships around corporate prayer and discipleship, I feel called to the ministry... Nothing can stop me, but my plans don't work out how I wanted them to.

God is always faithful. His word is ever true.

I'm in a new position of leadership, and I'm pumped. School starts, and work, and studying, and planning and preparing, and calling and remembering birthdays and family and friend stuff...life is busy. Ya pray and read the word and stay filled, but why is it so hard?

"The fire burns the chaff."

What the heck does that even mean to me? Well, my ESV study Bible concordance tells me John talks about it when he's lecturing the Pharisees and Sadducees. Wheat is stored and chaff is burned...because it's useless. Then in Psalms chapter 1 and verse 4 chaff gets driven away by the wind. There it's used in comparison against a strong tree planted by a river. It's lookin pretty bad for the chaff. You definitely don't want it in your life...or have your life likened unto it. Well, i procrastinate. What ends up being done is like chaff, useless. Flammable and un-rooted. Time and time again I've told myself to get myself straight, and it's come to this.Yeah, it can be a little difficult, but look at what the other guy did...He hung on a cross. So, I think I can put more effort into planning and organizing my time. Now I know and I'm confident that I am that tree. I am planted and rooted by streams of water and I bear fruit in season. I don't wither, and everything I set my hand to prospers.

God is always faithful. His word is ever true.

It's good to be corrected--to be adjusted. Now, I could go off on a long chiropractic analogy here, but I'll spare you. It's just good, even if it's a little uncomfortable at first. That river I'm planted by is meant to drink from, it nourishes and keeps me alive. That's the Holy Spirit, of course. That's the good stuff. Of course. When fire does come, and it's sure to....if all I've set my hand to is useless then it will burn. But I have committed my work unto the Lord, and it will last.

Ya know, God is always faithful. His word is ever true.

I don't really understand myself. That is an understatement. So, Lord, search me! Let me lean not unto my own understanding, let me acknowledge You in all my ways, so You can direct my path. That's the only path I want to be on. Even if it hurts, even if it seems unfair, or lonely even. I thank You for Your unfailing mercy and love for me. It's pretty freakin fantastic...in every way.

Love, where art thou?

You know that black eyed peas song with that JT boy... Where is the love? Yeah, that one. I've thinkin about that a lot lately. Love is such an intangible and vague entity at times, when in other moments it fills every corner of the room and is contained in something as simple as a laugh. I am so hopeless...look at how I talk of love, like I think I know a thing or two about it. I'll go on. Love for you mother, your brother, your dearest friend, or the one whose life (sometimes) you wish you could end. I'm so clever. We get caught up in ourselves, tangling what we desire and what we expect with our realities. The mess we are left with is in and of ourselves, and no one else can get you the Lorelle de-tangling shampoo to get yourself straight again. You have to separate your expectations of people from reality, because if you don't...you will always be left combing through irritating knots with yourself. People will constantly fail you, it's the one thing you can count on a person to do, so don't be so hurt when reality is real. Not to be harsh, but you should expect it from humanity, so distant from 1st Corinthians description of what walking in love should be like. Don't get offended, pray. Pray for love to become your own reality and others really won't be of any consequence to you. It's a hard question to answer when you're searching the heart of man..."Where is the love?" But God is love, and to ask where God is... well isn't He supposed to be reflected in each of us who call Him our God? Here's the challenge: mediate on the God kind of love, and then think about your tangled knots, and see how combing that love through them would work. Let me know how it turns out.

Stop.

I feel lost, and I just need this time and space to write about it. I don't need anyone to judge me, mostly myself. When I am not satisfied with the present I start living in the past. I dig up old things that should really stay underground. I can't say that its been a good method. In fact, I know it not to be. It hurts. I feel sad. I feel like I'm not me. When was the last time I did? And what is imposing this terribly dramatic emotion to take over me? Oh, woe is me! I know the root of the cause... for everything. I control my decisions, do I not? So, then, I am to blame for my disposition. My remedy is a minute away, but I wallow. I constantly need to be picked up and put back into place, put back together. Why not just stay broken? Stop.

Know God. Love people.

4 a.m. Blues

I wish I could unfold Your hand. I wish I could see Your plans. I wish my heart would stop anticipating. I wish I could just relax into it all, just fall in love with the journey and patiently watch things fall into place. No one's gonna love you like I do. If I've sought You once, I've sought You a million times. I know You've got my back, but what I really need is for You to have my heart. Gaurd it like a goalie tending the net in the third quarter of a tied game rivalry. I have no objections, no pre-requistes... I think that's because I just trust You. I'm being honest, thats my favorite characteristic of a person if they have it. Honesty. Stop being fake. That just takes too much effort, and honestly I don't feel like playing the games and trying to decipher what you mean. You would do much better by saying what you what you mean instead of phrasing something in such a way to get a certain response out of the other person. I try to look like You. Walk like You do and talk like You do...I pray I'm doin something for Your kingdom. If I'm not then take me from this place. There is no purpose. I can see how that works. I guess I just want someone to share it with, Lord. I pray for the kind of friends that are loyal and true and make life meaningful. Who want to talk about You, not themselves. I get easily bored with people who talk about pointless crap that has everything to do with them. I mean, I can definitely listen if you need help, or have a problem...but is talking about how much you spent, your expensive sstyle and your work outs gonna change anything? Is it even gonna grow our friendship? Should this friendship be growing? Or is it something I need to prune out of my life? Nah, we've been side by side for too long. But why am I still by your side? Sometimes I just don't get us. We are very strange. And I feel like it's a liitle unfair to me, but then again I made this decsion, didn't I? Oh the crap well, I put myself here, and I cannot very well turn from it. It is mine to live with. Oh how Julia Roberts of me. Except we're not there yet, and we'll never make a promise to marry when we turn 28. Okay, then...Off to bed. Goodnight, 4 a.m. blues.. . Until next time thought of us keep keeping me awake.

Yeah

I find that I am satisfied. I am content. He really is my all in all. I love Jesus more and more everyday, and I am truly astounded by His love, mercy, grace, strength, and power...ect, ect His attributes that make Him my reason for life, and the actual cause of my life goes on and on. However, I don't know what's going on with my heart as of this moment. I think its just the chill of the air outside, and seeing such lovely people that I know living the picture that envision for myself someday. I realize that I am young, and that this will all take place in His perfect timing, yet I cannot help myself from questioning. everything. basically myself. It's that voice of insecurity and inadequacy. Why do I seem like I'm not enough? Oh, but I am...not in a prideful way, but God has given me so much...I am overwhelmingly blessed, and there is more on its way. My mind is really a treacherous place. So complex. So divided. I have this heart that longs for this adventure, and I don't know if there is someone else in the world that feels the exact same way as I do. I knew a girl, and I knew a boy- I know them as an example of the truest love story I've ever heard. I count myslef honored to have witnessed it in its small beginnings....I know a woman, and I know a man, and that's the love I want. Its very fascinating, but fascinating in the way that it is exactly what true love should be....but it doesn't happen often. Will I be enough? No. Only God can fill us. That's true. Neither you or me will ever be enough for the other. His presence is what gets you that deepest satisfaction. Ah, the mind knows what the heart does not. This is my head speaking, but my heart hasn't received it completely. I will never be enough. But praise God. I suppose that should take some pressure off. After all of that what I'm really thinking of is one thing. Unfortunately. It's one person. Unfortunately. God, Help. My heart don't know nothin. This is my heart: Your heart, Your eyes, Your voice, Your will. I will stand on the rock that is my salvation, You have a plan and Your hand is mighty to bring it forth. I will sing praises to Your name, Oh Lord. I delight in You, Jehova. Change my desires. Meet me on the battlefield. Uphold me, your daughter... I have full faith in You. This is all for You.