Know God. Love people.

4 a.m. Blues

I wish I could unfold Your hand. I wish I could see Your plans. I wish my heart would stop anticipating. I wish I could just relax into it all, just fall in love with the journey and patiently watch things fall into place. No one's gonna love you like I do. If I've sought You once, I've sought You a million times. I know You've got my back, but what I really need is for You to have my heart. Gaurd it like a goalie tending the net in the third quarter of a tied game rivalry. I have no objections, no pre-requistes... I think that's because I just trust You. I'm being honest, thats my favorite characteristic of a person if they have it. Honesty. Stop being fake. That just takes too much effort, and honestly I don't feel like playing the games and trying to decipher what you mean. You would do much better by saying what you what you mean instead of phrasing something in such a way to get a certain response out of the other person. I try to look like You. Walk like You do and talk like You do...I pray I'm doin something for Your kingdom. If I'm not then take me from this place. There is no purpose. I can see how that works. I guess I just want someone to share it with, Lord. I pray for the kind of friends that are loyal and true and make life meaningful. Who want to talk about You, not themselves. I get easily bored with people who talk about pointless crap that has everything to do with them. I mean, I can definitely listen if you need help, or have a problem...but is talking about how much you spent, your expensive sstyle and your work outs gonna change anything? Is it even gonna grow our friendship? Should this friendship be growing? Or is it something I need to prune out of my life? Nah, we've been side by side for too long. But why am I still by your side? Sometimes I just don't get us. We are very strange. And I feel like it's a liitle unfair to me, but then again I made this decsion, didn't I? Oh the crap well, I put myself here, and I cannot very well turn from it. It is mine to live with. Oh how Julia Roberts of me. Except we're not there yet, and we'll never make a promise to marry when we turn 28. Okay, then...Off to bed. Goodnight, 4 a.m. blues.. . Until next time thought of us keep keeping me awake.

Yeah

I find that I am satisfied. I am content. He really is my all in all. I love Jesus more and more everyday, and I am truly astounded by His love, mercy, grace, strength, and power...ect, ect His attributes that make Him my reason for life, and the actual cause of my life goes on and on. However, I don't know what's going on with my heart as of this moment. I think its just the chill of the air outside, and seeing such lovely people that I know living the picture that envision for myself someday. I realize that I am young, and that this will all take place in His perfect timing, yet I cannot help myself from questioning. everything. basically myself. It's that voice of insecurity and inadequacy. Why do I seem like I'm not enough? Oh, but I am...not in a prideful way, but God has given me so much...I am overwhelmingly blessed, and there is more on its way. My mind is really a treacherous place. So complex. So divided. I have this heart that longs for this adventure, and I don't know if there is someone else in the world that feels the exact same way as I do. I knew a girl, and I knew a boy- I know them as an example of the truest love story I've ever heard. I count myslef honored to have witnessed it in its small beginnings....I know a woman, and I know a man, and that's the love I want. Its very fascinating, but fascinating in the way that it is exactly what true love should be....but it doesn't happen often. Will I be enough? No. Only God can fill us. That's true. Neither you or me will ever be enough for the other. His presence is what gets you that deepest satisfaction. Ah, the mind knows what the heart does not. This is my head speaking, but my heart hasn't received it completely. I will never be enough. But praise God. I suppose that should take some pressure off. After all of that what I'm really thinking of is one thing. Unfortunately. It's one person. Unfortunately. God, Help. My heart don't know nothin. This is my heart: Your heart, Your eyes, Your voice, Your will. I will stand on the rock that is my salvation, You have a plan and Your hand is mighty to bring it forth. I will sing praises to Your name, Oh Lord. I delight in You, Jehova. Change my desires. Meet me on the battlefield. Uphold me, your daughter... I have full faith in You. This is all for You.

Jesus is all I need. I have a new heart with His desires in it. If I seek Him, I will surely find Him. The more I seek Him, the more I find Him, and the more I find Him, the more I love Him.

I am so grateful for wise counsel and guidance. What would I do without women who are such great encouragement and examples? I am following them as they follow Christ! What an honor to serve the Lord!

God, I take my eyes off of my own issues and circumstances... they are a product of my own decisions. But, I can live whole because of Your grace. Thank God...

This is for you...

Yes, I'm sure you know who you are. Let me first say that I am aware of your magnificent ability to debate, manipulate, and persuade, and I will also take this opportunity to admit that I am, sadly, awful with these sort of things. Most importantly, nothing... yes, I actually mean it when I say NOTHING you say or "prove" will change me. However, somehow I have hope that I may be able to convey a thing or two to you. 

When you say you wanna talk about religion, I'll humor you, but all I wanna talk about is relationship. This is no new concept to you, my darling. We both know this, but things are different now. You're older. On your own. You are a great thinker, but this will lead you no place. At least not any place I will ever be willing to follow. God is too great to figure out. His ways are, get this!-- higher than our ways, the plans that He laid are good and oh so very true. One word that I believe sums up a lot is FAITH. Not like, "Oh, I have faith in Jesus, and my life is a freaking bed of roses all of the God blessed time!" Cause that just ain't how life is, and anyone sayin it any different is on somethin. I'm talking about what I strive for... (that which I miss often, but I will always get up and strive for again), faith in the REAL thing, a relationship with the one, true God. Jesus Christ. When this is found (I mean really taken a hold of), you will not let it escape you. This is me, and I am begging you to listen. I am a fool, but I know that I'd be much worse if I didn't ask you to stop thinking. Start living. This actually has not a thing to do with anybody else in the world. No, not even the ones born in India or Russia or Thailand or Jamaica. I'd wager that this may be, (it's late, and I'm not too sure of this statement) the one time in the relationship where it is indefinitely important to consider yourself alone. There are many other times that the rest of humanity matters, but this one thing, the most important thing, your soul's salvation, your life HAS to come first. You cannot do anything about the world alone, and as far as I'm concerned you are alone if you don't have Christ with you. Jesus is the stuff of life. Check it out man, believe me. I'd never lie to you.

Recount your life's experiences, is it everything you ever dreamed of and more? Are you happy, and when life's crappy you still somehow got some joy? What if you had hope? Things can really be better. I love Him, I love Him, I love Him. I care about you, more than you can imagine, but this is more important to me than any feeling I have. Call me, dear.

Ghosts

Is there a ghost in my house? The past few nights while I sleep I am in a constant frenzy in my dreams. I cannot escape the ghosts of my past. I have been praying that God would take it away. I can't keep my mind off of it in my waking hours either. I keep reminding myself to keep my mind on heaven, and things that are uplifting...not to say my thoughts have been dark, just distracted. Like this thing is trying to take a serious place of importance in my life. I keep renouncing it...it's been a month. I tell God I hold nothing ahead of Him, but this thing feels like it is trying to become an idol. I hate it. In and of itself it is not a "bad" thing. What makes it bad is the amount of time it consumes in my heart and mind! It is crazy. I feel haunted. I know the cycles I have been stuck in in my life. I am victorious everyday, not just seasons of victory anymore. I can't stand that inconsistency. I am striving to be more like Jesus... Did Jesus struggle with thought life? What were his thoughts like? I pray that I have His eyes, His heart, His hands and feet...His mind?

Let me just Ramble!

SO, What I think is that we can over complicate this life so easily. We can examine our hearts and our motives; we can dissect and end up amputating limbs of ourselves as a result of all of our endless self-probing. God has a purpose and a specific job for you, and if you are willing and obedient...HE WILL SEE IT THROUGH!! No matter what! Do we think we can stand in God's way? If you have His heart, and you know that even if you have selfish motives sometimes or don't understand where you are in life, if you know in your heart you DESIRE God's heart, you will have it. Because God gives us our desires. Desire His heart and His eyes. See people as He saw them. Every person has a story, how are you going to impact that story? Even if in the most minute way, will you plant a seed of hope? Will you hold back the name of Jesus? If you are too concerned on getting yourself straight...you will miss a chance to plant that seed. If you wait for perfect conditions in yourself, you will never do a thing for God. Just keep His word and His promise alive in your spirit, and remember He is the perfecter of your faith! He loves you, He created you to love you and be loved by you. It is so simple. It's something we can't earn or deserve. That's only a part of why He is so good!! His love is simple, but it is huge. And that covers everything, every reason we can think of...His love covers it. Stop thinking and just live it, love it.