God is always faithful. His word is ever true.

God is always faithful. His word is ever true.

And sometimes we're dumb. Sometimes we are just not satisfied with the way our lives look. We tend to think everything around us is to blame, but oh! no, no it's not.

And God is always faithful. His word is ever true.

He loves you--enough to tell you that you're wrong. He doesn't condemn, but in that same swiftness comes the right answer. He just gives it to you, even if you don't give the thought enough to get it yourself, then He will give it to you through the people in your life that He gave you as well. So, praise God for leadership. It doesn't take much really. Just stop thinking about your own pleasure for a while. Don't watch a movie, go get in His word and pray. Honestly, your delight is really in the Lord. You know it is. That's when you really feel good, right? In His presence....ah, just thinkin about it oughta make ya feel betta. It's awesome! You're just alone with your Maker, and He's all yours! Beautiful. He really loves you. So He instructs you. Here's the point: I'm at this awesome church, and I know for sure that it's God. My pastors are incredible. Genuine, and their calling, anointing, and vision are just right. I'm amazed...wow! and excited- I'm right where I'm supposed to be. I'm growing and gaining life long relationships around corporate prayer and discipleship, I feel called to the ministry... Nothing can stop me, but my plans don't work out how I wanted them to.

God is always faithful. His word is ever true.

I'm in a new position of leadership, and I'm pumped. School starts, and work, and studying, and planning and preparing, and calling and remembering birthdays and family and friend stuff...life is busy. Ya pray and read the word and stay filled, but why is it so hard?

"The fire burns the chaff."

What the heck does that even mean to me? Well, my ESV study Bible concordance tells me John talks about it when he's lecturing the Pharisees and Sadducees. Wheat is stored and chaff is burned...because it's useless. Then in Psalms chapter 1 and verse 4 chaff gets driven away by the wind. There it's used in comparison against a strong tree planted by a river. It's lookin pretty bad for the chaff. You definitely don't want it in your life...or have your life likened unto it. Well, i procrastinate. What ends up being done is like chaff, useless. Flammable and un-rooted. Time and time again I've told myself to get myself straight, and it's come to this.Yeah, it can be a little difficult, but look at what the other guy did...He hung on a cross. So, I think I can put more effort into planning and organizing my time. Now I know and I'm confident that I am that tree. I am planted and rooted by streams of water and I bear fruit in season. I don't wither, and everything I set my hand to prospers.

God is always faithful. His word is ever true.

It's good to be corrected--to be adjusted. Now, I could go off on a long chiropractic analogy here, but I'll spare you. It's just good, even if it's a little uncomfortable at first. That river I'm planted by is meant to drink from, it nourishes and keeps me alive. That's the Holy Spirit, of course. That's the good stuff. Of course. When fire does come, and it's sure to....if all I've set my hand to is useless then it will burn. But I have committed my work unto the Lord, and it will last.

Ya know, God is always faithful. His word is ever true.

I don't really understand myself. That is an understatement. So, Lord, search me! Let me lean not unto my own understanding, let me acknowledge You in all my ways, so You can direct my path. That's the only path I want to be on. Even if it hurts, even if it seems unfair, or lonely even. I thank You for Your unfailing mercy and love for me. It's pretty freakin fantastic...in every way.

Love, where art thou?

You know that black eyed peas song with that JT boy... Where is the love? Yeah, that one. I've thinkin about that a lot lately. Love is such an intangible and vague entity at times, when in other moments it fills every corner of the room and is contained in something as simple as a laugh. I am so hopeless...look at how I talk of love, like I think I know a thing or two about it. I'll go on. Love for you mother, your brother, your dearest friend, or the one whose life (sometimes) you wish you could end. I'm so clever. We get caught up in ourselves, tangling what we desire and what we expect with our realities. The mess we are left with is in and of ourselves, and no one else can get you the Lorelle de-tangling shampoo to get yourself straight again. You have to separate your expectations of people from reality, because if you don't...you will always be left combing through irritating knots with yourself. People will constantly fail you, it's the one thing you can count on a person to do, so don't be so hurt when reality is real. Not to be harsh, but you should expect it from humanity, so distant from 1st Corinthians description of what walking in love should be like. Don't get offended, pray. Pray for love to become your own reality and others really won't be of any consequence to you. It's a hard question to answer when you're searching the heart of man..."Where is the love?" But God is love, and to ask where God is... well isn't He supposed to be reflected in each of us who call Him our God? Here's the challenge: mediate on the God kind of love, and then think about your tangled knots, and see how combing that love through them would work. Let me know how it turns out.

Stop.

I feel lost, and I just need this time and space to write about it. I don't need anyone to judge me, mostly myself. When I am not satisfied with the present I start living in the past. I dig up old things that should really stay underground. I can't say that its been a good method. In fact, I know it not to be. It hurts. I feel sad. I feel like I'm not me. When was the last time I did? And what is imposing this terribly dramatic emotion to take over me? Oh, woe is me! I know the root of the cause... for everything. I control my decisions, do I not? So, then, I am to blame for my disposition. My remedy is a minute away, but I wallow. I constantly need to be picked up and put back into place, put back together. Why not just stay broken? Stop.

Know God. Love people.

4 a.m. Blues

I wish I could unfold Your hand. I wish I could see Your plans. I wish my heart would stop anticipating. I wish I could just relax into it all, just fall in love with the journey and patiently watch things fall into place. No one's gonna love you like I do. If I've sought You once, I've sought You a million times. I know You've got my back, but what I really need is for You to have my heart. Gaurd it like a goalie tending the net in the third quarter of a tied game rivalry. I have no objections, no pre-requistes... I think that's because I just trust You. I'm being honest, thats my favorite characteristic of a person if they have it. Honesty. Stop being fake. That just takes too much effort, and honestly I don't feel like playing the games and trying to decipher what you mean. You would do much better by saying what you what you mean instead of phrasing something in such a way to get a certain response out of the other person. I try to look like You. Walk like You do and talk like You do...I pray I'm doin something for Your kingdom. If I'm not then take me from this place. There is no purpose. I can see how that works. I guess I just want someone to share it with, Lord. I pray for the kind of friends that are loyal and true and make life meaningful. Who want to talk about You, not themselves. I get easily bored with people who talk about pointless crap that has everything to do with them. I mean, I can definitely listen if you need help, or have a problem...but is talking about how much you spent, your expensive sstyle and your work outs gonna change anything? Is it even gonna grow our friendship? Should this friendship be growing? Or is it something I need to prune out of my life? Nah, we've been side by side for too long. But why am I still by your side? Sometimes I just don't get us. We are very strange. And I feel like it's a liitle unfair to me, but then again I made this decsion, didn't I? Oh the crap well, I put myself here, and I cannot very well turn from it. It is mine to live with. Oh how Julia Roberts of me. Except we're not there yet, and we'll never make a promise to marry when we turn 28. Okay, then...Off to bed. Goodnight, 4 a.m. blues.. . Until next time thought of us keep keeping me awake.

Yeah

I find that I am satisfied. I am content. He really is my all in all. I love Jesus more and more everyday, and I am truly astounded by His love, mercy, grace, strength, and power...ect, ect His attributes that make Him my reason for life, and the actual cause of my life goes on and on. However, I don't know what's going on with my heart as of this moment. I think its just the chill of the air outside, and seeing such lovely people that I know living the picture that envision for myself someday. I realize that I am young, and that this will all take place in His perfect timing, yet I cannot help myself from questioning. everything. basically myself. It's that voice of insecurity and inadequacy. Why do I seem like I'm not enough? Oh, but I am...not in a prideful way, but God has given me so much...I am overwhelmingly blessed, and there is more on its way. My mind is really a treacherous place. So complex. So divided. I have this heart that longs for this adventure, and I don't know if there is someone else in the world that feels the exact same way as I do. I knew a girl, and I knew a boy- I know them as an example of the truest love story I've ever heard. I count myslef honored to have witnessed it in its small beginnings....I know a woman, and I know a man, and that's the love I want. Its very fascinating, but fascinating in the way that it is exactly what true love should be....but it doesn't happen often. Will I be enough? No. Only God can fill us. That's true. Neither you or me will ever be enough for the other. His presence is what gets you that deepest satisfaction. Ah, the mind knows what the heart does not. This is my head speaking, but my heart hasn't received it completely. I will never be enough. But praise God. I suppose that should take some pressure off. After all of that what I'm really thinking of is one thing. Unfortunately. It's one person. Unfortunately. God, Help. My heart don't know nothin. This is my heart: Your heart, Your eyes, Your voice, Your will. I will stand on the rock that is my salvation, You have a plan and Your hand is mighty to bring it forth. I will sing praises to Your name, Oh Lord. I delight in You, Jehova. Change my desires. Meet me on the battlefield. Uphold me, your daughter... I have full faith in You. This is all for You.

Jesus is all I need. I have a new heart with His desires in it. If I seek Him, I will surely find Him. The more I seek Him, the more I find Him, and the more I find Him, the more I love Him.

I am so grateful for wise counsel and guidance. What would I do without women who are such great encouragement and examples? I am following them as they follow Christ! What an honor to serve the Lord!

God, I take my eyes off of my own issues and circumstances... they are a product of my own decisions. But, I can live whole because of Your grace. Thank God...

This is for you...

Yes, I'm sure you know who you are. Let me first say that I am aware of your magnificent ability to debate, manipulate, and persuade, and I will also take this opportunity to admit that I am, sadly, awful with these sort of things. Most importantly, nothing... yes, I actually mean it when I say NOTHING you say or "prove" will change me. However, somehow I have hope that I may be able to convey a thing or two to you. 

When you say you wanna talk about religion, I'll humor you, but all I wanna talk about is relationship. This is no new concept to you, my darling. We both know this, but things are different now. You're older. On your own. You are a great thinker, but this will lead you no place. At least not any place I will ever be willing to follow. God is too great to figure out. His ways are, get this!-- higher than our ways, the plans that He laid are good and oh so very true. One word that I believe sums up a lot is FAITH. Not like, "Oh, I have faith in Jesus, and my life is a freaking bed of roses all of the God blessed time!" Cause that just ain't how life is, and anyone sayin it any different is on somethin. I'm talking about what I strive for... (that which I miss often, but I will always get up and strive for again), faith in the REAL thing, a relationship with the one, true God. Jesus Christ. When this is found (I mean really taken a hold of), you will not let it escape you. This is me, and I am begging you to listen. I am a fool, but I know that I'd be much worse if I didn't ask you to stop thinking. Start living. This actually has not a thing to do with anybody else in the world. No, not even the ones born in India or Russia or Thailand or Jamaica. I'd wager that this may be, (it's late, and I'm not too sure of this statement) the one time in the relationship where it is indefinitely important to consider yourself alone. There are many other times that the rest of humanity matters, but this one thing, the most important thing, your soul's salvation, your life HAS to come first. You cannot do anything about the world alone, and as far as I'm concerned you are alone if you don't have Christ with you. Jesus is the stuff of life. Check it out man, believe me. I'd never lie to you.

Recount your life's experiences, is it everything you ever dreamed of and more? Are you happy, and when life's crappy you still somehow got some joy? What if you had hope? Things can really be better. I love Him, I love Him, I love Him. I care about you, more than you can imagine, but this is more important to me than any feeling I have. Call me, dear.

Ghosts

Is there a ghost in my house? The past few nights while I sleep I am in a constant frenzy in my dreams. I cannot escape the ghosts of my past. I have been praying that God would take it away. I can't keep my mind off of it in my waking hours either. I keep reminding myself to keep my mind on heaven, and things that are uplifting...not to say my thoughts have been dark, just distracted. Like this thing is trying to take a serious place of importance in my life. I keep renouncing it...it's been a month. I tell God I hold nothing ahead of Him, but this thing feels like it is trying to become an idol. I hate it. In and of itself it is not a "bad" thing. What makes it bad is the amount of time it consumes in my heart and mind! It is crazy. I feel haunted. I know the cycles I have been stuck in in my life. I am victorious everyday, not just seasons of victory anymore. I can't stand that inconsistency. I am striving to be more like Jesus... Did Jesus struggle with thought life? What were his thoughts like? I pray that I have His eyes, His heart, His hands and feet...His mind?

Let me just Ramble!

SO, What I think is that we can over complicate this life so easily. We can examine our hearts and our motives; we can dissect and end up amputating limbs of ourselves as a result of all of our endless self-probing. God has a purpose and a specific job for you, and if you are willing and obedient...HE WILL SEE IT THROUGH!! No matter what! Do we think we can stand in God's way? If you have His heart, and you know that even if you have selfish motives sometimes or don't understand where you are in life, if you know in your heart you DESIRE God's heart, you will have it. Because God gives us our desires. Desire His heart and His eyes. See people as He saw them. Every person has a story, how are you going to impact that story? Even if in the most minute way, will you plant a seed of hope? Will you hold back the name of Jesus? If you are too concerned on getting yourself straight...you will miss a chance to plant that seed. If you wait for perfect conditions in yourself, you will never do a thing for God. Just keep His word and His promise alive in your spirit, and remember He is the perfecter of your faith! He loves you, He created you to love you and be loved by you. It is so simple. It's something we can't earn or deserve. That's only a part of why He is so good!! His love is simple, but it is huge. And that covers everything, every reason we can think of...His love covers it. Stop thinking and just live it, love it.

Dreamer

The other night I had a dream. I can't remember most of it, but here's what happened...

I was laying in the middle of a two way road. I had layed there to rest; I didn't mean to fall asleep, but I did. There were black birds flying above me. I was awakened by the rumbling of the ground from a red car coming quicly towards me. I hastily picked myself up and ran to the edge of the road where I was safe. I was frightened by that close call, but I started again on my journey home. I was in a comfortable jog when, what seemed sudden, a large group of runners pushed me aside. They were obviously trained. They stayed in a secure formation and were extreemly focused. They all wore white under armour and helmets. I watched then run past me and I wondered why they were wearing biker helmets when they were running. It was just weird to me. Then I noticed that these runners were headed in the opposite direction as me. I wondered where they were going, and was I headed the wrong way? Was I not on my way home? The path seemed so familiar! I stood still, alone in the road.

I woke up. This was a few nights ago, and until now I though it was a dream like any other dream I have. Normally my dreams fade quickly. The only reason I bothered to write this one down...was because I remembered it. Now I see it in a new light. Simply enough, as you may have guessed, the road symbolizes the Christian walk. It's a two way road, and you are either moving toward God or away from God. Nothing fancy, plain and simple. Looking at my heart I can honestly say I didn't want to fall asleep spiritually. I was just tired of running it alone. So I rested, but that rest dwindled into a slumber. I was sure to be devoured by the darkness hovering over me...those birds. I was saved only by that rumbling. That red car. I like to think that the color red is important to note here. Red can easily be associated to a number of things, for me, it's blood. The blood of Jesus. He bought with a price, and saved me...even though I wasn't calling out to Him. He's warned me with the rumbling, and awakened me from my slumber. But then what happens? I just jog along going the way I always go, my path was so familiar to me. The group of runners pushed me aside. These guys are the guys who get it! They are tight in formation, they are focused! They are wearing the armour, yes, a modern version of the armour of God!  The armour Paul talks about in Ephesians 6. That biking helmet stood out to me so I would pay attention to it. Gaurd you mind! Your thoughts should be on Him, on heaven. Collosians 3:2. Not one of them was alone in this. They had eachother. I was left standing alone in the middle of the road contemplating my place in the world. Where was I going? I thought I was headed the right way, it was so natural to me. That's because I was on my own path. In my life I can see the pattern that path has made. (leads nowhere- it's a seemingly right way, but it's all my own. so, it is all wrong) The experienced runners didn't grow weary, like I did. Galatians 6. They were on a different path. The one God laid. They were a great example of where I should be. I can see that. This may not be a huge revelation, but God spoke to me through this. He can speak to you in the same way, or in many different ways. Are you listening? I shrugged that dream off  likr it was nothing, but awkened, God showed me something in what I thought was nothing. If you're on a familiar path, look at those with experience, and follow them as they follow Christ. Turn around.

Laying it all out

I think too much. And I really rely on my own raitionality most of the time. The truth is I can't figure it all out. When I start thinking about something in my life or some issue I see in the world, my problems seem to multiply. I might even start panicing about how a screw up like me could be worthy to claim the name of Jesus in such a bold way. That's another place that I go wrong. Simply thinking I could ever be worthy. He layed it all out for me. I can only humble myself to accept His greatest gift. Thinking that I could somehow act or live a certain way to ever deserve that is...wrong. Today I woke up thinking about a very heavy, urgent situation in my life. I don't know how to overcome it, because it is so looming....just brooding over me like a thunderstorm. An event happens that is just like lightning striking, and one-onehundred, two-onehundred, three-onehundred...thunder growls. And the storm is headed my way. I think about the most logical way to deal with this. Well, I could get myself all packed up and head out of town. I could check out and say, "Hasta la vista!" But that's what it will always be... "See you later!", and I will always be running, hiding. The second way to deal: get an umbrella, take a deep breath, and face it. It's never an easy thing to do. So, here I am... How much longer can I delay this storm? How many more times will I take my own understanding as the only understanding there is? I have to lay it all out, like Jesus did. Every issue my mind digs up goes on the table before the Lord. God, I can't fix it. That release is giving in to whatever lies ahead. Jesus, be my Umbrella. Cover me in the storms that are so daunting.