Jesus is all I need. I have a new heart with His desires in it. If I seek Him, I will surely find Him. The more I seek Him, the more I find Him, and the more I find Him, the more I love Him.

I am so grateful for wise counsel and guidance. What would I do without women who are such great encouragement and examples? I am following them as they follow Christ! What an honor to serve the Lord!

God, I take my eyes off of my own issues and circumstances... they are a product of my own decisions. But, I can live whole because of Your grace. Thank God...

This is for you...

Yes, I'm sure you know who you are. Let me first say that I am aware of your magnificent ability to debate, manipulate, and persuade, and I will also take this opportunity to admit that I am, sadly, awful with these sort of things. Most importantly, nothing... yes, I actually mean it when I say NOTHING you say or "prove" will change me. However, somehow I have hope that I may be able to convey a thing or two to you. 

When you say you wanna talk about religion, I'll humor you, but all I wanna talk about is relationship. This is no new concept to you, my darling. We both know this, but things are different now. You're older. On your own. You are a great thinker, but this will lead you no place. At least not any place I will ever be willing to follow. God is too great to figure out. His ways are, get this!-- higher than our ways, the plans that He laid are good and oh so very true. One word that I believe sums up a lot is FAITH. Not like, "Oh, I have faith in Jesus, and my life is a freaking bed of roses all of the God blessed time!" Cause that just ain't how life is, and anyone sayin it any different is on somethin. I'm talking about what I strive for... (that which I miss often, but I will always get up and strive for again), faith in the REAL thing, a relationship with the one, true God. Jesus Christ. When this is found (I mean really taken a hold of), you will not let it escape you. This is me, and I am begging you to listen. I am a fool, but I know that I'd be much worse if I didn't ask you to stop thinking. Start living. This actually has not a thing to do with anybody else in the world. No, not even the ones born in India or Russia or Thailand or Jamaica. I'd wager that this may be, (it's late, and I'm not too sure of this statement) the one time in the relationship where it is indefinitely important to consider yourself alone. There are many other times that the rest of humanity matters, but this one thing, the most important thing, your soul's salvation, your life HAS to come first. You cannot do anything about the world alone, and as far as I'm concerned you are alone if you don't have Christ with you. Jesus is the stuff of life. Check it out man, believe me. I'd never lie to you.

Recount your life's experiences, is it everything you ever dreamed of and more? Are you happy, and when life's crappy you still somehow got some joy? What if you had hope? Things can really be better. I love Him, I love Him, I love Him. I care about you, more than you can imagine, but this is more important to me than any feeling I have. Call me, dear.

Ghosts

Is there a ghost in my house? The past few nights while I sleep I am in a constant frenzy in my dreams. I cannot escape the ghosts of my past. I have been praying that God would take it away. I can't keep my mind off of it in my waking hours either. I keep reminding myself to keep my mind on heaven, and things that are uplifting...not to say my thoughts have been dark, just distracted. Like this thing is trying to take a serious place of importance in my life. I keep renouncing it...it's been a month. I tell God I hold nothing ahead of Him, but this thing feels like it is trying to become an idol. I hate it. In and of itself it is not a "bad" thing. What makes it bad is the amount of time it consumes in my heart and mind! It is crazy. I feel haunted. I know the cycles I have been stuck in in my life. I am victorious everyday, not just seasons of victory anymore. I can't stand that inconsistency. I am striving to be more like Jesus... Did Jesus struggle with thought life? What were his thoughts like? I pray that I have His eyes, His heart, His hands and feet...His mind?

Let me just Ramble!

SO, What I think is that we can over complicate this life so easily. We can examine our hearts and our motives; we can dissect and end up amputating limbs of ourselves as a result of all of our endless self-probing. God has a purpose and a specific job for you, and if you are willing and obedient...HE WILL SEE IT THROUGH!! No matter what! Do we think we can stand in God's way? If you have His heart, and you know that even if you have selfish motives sometimes or don't understand where you are in life, if you know in your heart you DESIRE God's heart, you will have it. Because God gives us our desires. Desire His heart and His eyes. See people as He saw them. Every person has a story, how are you going to impact that story? Even if in the most minute way, will you plant a seed of hope? Will you hold back the name of Jesus? If you are too concerned on getting yourself straight...you will miss a chance to plant that seed. If you wait for perfect conditions in yourself, you will never do a thing for God. Just keep His word and His promise alive in your spirit, and remember He is the perfecter of your faith! He loves you, He created you to love you and be loved by you. It is so simple. It's something we can't earn or deserve. That's only a part of why He is so good!! His love is simple, but it is huge. And that covers everything, every reason we can think of...His love covers it. Stop thinking and just live it, love it.

Dreamer

The other night I had a dream. I can't remember most of it, but here's what happened...

I was laying in the middle of a two way road. I had layed there to rest; I didn't mean to fall asleep, but I did. There were black birds flying above me. I was awakened by the rumbling of the ground from a red car coming quicly towards me. I hastily picked myself up and ran to the edge of the road where I was safe. I was frightened by that close call, but I started again on my journey home. I was in a comfortable jog when, what seemed sudden, a large group of runners pushed me aside. They were obviously trained. They stayed in a secure formation and were extreemly focused. They all wore white under armour and helmets. I watched then run past me and I wondered why they were wearing biker helmets when they were running. It was just weird to me. Then I noticed that these runners were headed in the opposite direction as me. I wondered where they were going, and was I headed the wrong way? Was I not on my way home? The path seemed so familiar! I stood still, alone in the road.

I woke up. This was a few nights ago, and until now I though it was a dream like any other dream I have. Normally my dreams fade quickly. The only reason I bothered to write this one down...was because I remembered it. Now I see it in a new light. Simply enough, as you may have guessed, the road symbolizes the Christian walk. It's a two way road, and you are either moving toward God or away from God. Nothing fancy, plain and simple. Looking at my heart I can honestly say I didn't want to fall asleep spiritually. I was just tired of running it alone. So I rested, but that rest dwindled into a slumber. I was sure to be devoured by the darkness hovering over me...those birds. I was saved only by that rumbling. That red car. I like to think that the color red is important to note here. Red can easily be associated to a number of things, for me, it's blood. The blood of Jesus. He bought with a price, and saved me...even though I wasn't calling out to Him. He's warned me with the rumbling, and awakened me from my slumber. But then what happens? I just jog along going the way I always go, my path was so familiar to me. The group of runners pushed me aside. These guys are the guys who get it! They are tight in formation, they are focused! They are wearing the armour, yes, a modern version of the armour of God!  The armour Paul talks about in Ephesians 6. That biking helmet stood out to me so I would pay attention to it. Gaurd you mind! Your thoughts should be on Him, on heaven. Collosians 3:2. Not one of them was alone in this. They had eachother. I was left standing alone in the middle of the road contemplating my place in the world. Where was I going? I thought I was headed the right way, it was so natural to me. That's because I was on my own path. In my life I can see the pattern that path has made. (leads nowhere- it's a seemingly right way, but it's all my own. so, it is all wrong) The experienced runners didn't grow weary, like I did. Galatians 6. They were on a different path. The one God laid. They were a great example of where I should be. I can see that. This may not be a huge revelation, but God spoke to me through this. He can speak to you in the same way, or in many different ways. Are you listening? I shrugged that dream off  likr it was nothing, but awkened, God showed me something in what I thought was nothing. If you're on a familiar path, look at those with experience, and follow them as they follow Christ. Turn around.

Laying it all out

I think too much. And I really rely on my own raitionality most of the time. The truth is I can't figure it all out. When I start thinking about something in my life or some issue I see in the world, my problems seem to multiply. I might even start panicing about how a screw up like me could be worthy to claim the name of Jesus in such a bold way. That's another place that I go wrong. Simply thinking I could ever be worthy. He layed it all out for me. I can only humble myself to accept His greatest gift. Thinking that I could somehow act or live a certain way to ever deserve that is...wrong. Today I woke up thinking about a very heavy, urgent situation in my life. I don't know how to overcome it, because it is so looming....just brooding over me like a thunderstorm. An event happens that is just like lightning striking, and one-onehundred, two-onehundred, three-onehundred...thunder growls. And the storm is headed my way. I think about the most logical way to deal with this. Well, I could get myself all packed up and head out of town. I could check out and say, "Hasta la vista!" But that's what it will always be... "See you later!", and I will always be running, hiding. The second way to deal: get an umbrella, take a deep breath, and face it. It's never an easy thing to do. So, here I am... How much longer can I delay this storm? How many more times will I take my own understanding as the only understanding there is? I have to lay it all out, like Jesus did. Every issue my mind digs up goes on the table before the Lord. God, I can't fix it. That release is giving in to whatever lies ahead. Jesus, be my Umbrella. Cover me in the storms that are so daunting.