Wednesday, December 23, 2009

4 a.m. Blues

I wish I could unfold Your hand. I wish I could see Your plans. I wish my heart would stop anticipating. I wish I could just relax into it all, just fall in love with the journey and patiently watch things fall into place. No one's gonna love you like I do. If I've sought You once, I've sought You a million times. I know You've got my back, but what I really need is for You to have my heart. Gaurd it like a goalie tending the net in the third quarter of a tied game rivalry. I have no objections, no pre-requistes... I think that's because I just trust You. I'm being honest, thats my favorite characteristic of a person if they have it. Honesty. Stop being fake. That just takes too much effort, and honestly I don't feel like playing the games and trying to decipher what you mean. You would do much better by saying what you what you mean instead of phrasing something in such a way to get a certain response out of the other person. I try to look like You. Walk like You do and talk like You do...I pray I'm doin something for Your kingdom. If I'm not then take me from this place. There is no purpose. I can see how that works. I guess I just want someone to share it with, Lord. I pray for the kind of friends that are loyal and true and make life meaningful. Who want to talk about You, not themselves. I get easily bored with people who talk about pointless crap that has everything to do with them. I mean, I can definitely listen if you need help, or have a problem...but is talking about how much you spent, your expensive sstyle and your work outs gonna change anything? Is it even gonna grow our friendship? Should this friendship be growing? Or is it something I need to prune out of my life? Nah, we've been side by side for too long. But why am I still by your side? Sometimes I just don't get us. We are very strange. And I feel like it's a liitle unfair to me, but then again I made this decsion, didn't I? Oh the crap well, I put myself here, and I cannot very well turn from it. It is mine to live with. Oh how Julia Roberts of me. Except we're not there yet, and we'll never make a promise to marry when we turn 28. Okay, then...Off to bed. Goodnight, 4 a.m. blues.. . Until next time thought of us keep keeping me awake.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009


I find that I am satisfied. I am content. He really is my all in all. I love Jesus more and more everyday, and I am truly astounded by His love, mercy, grace, strength, and power...ect, ect His attributes that make Him my reason for life, and the actual cause of my life goes on and on. However, I don't know what's going on with my heart as of this moment. I think its just the chill of the air outside, and seeing such lovely people that I know living the picture that envision for myself someday. I realize that I am young, and that this will all take place in His perfect timing, yet I cannot help myself from questioning. everything. basically myself. It's that voice of insecurity and inadequacy. Why do I seem like I'm not enough? Oh, but I am...not in a prideful way, but God has given me so much...I am overwhelmingly blessed, and there is more on its way. My mind is really a treacherous place. So complex. So divided. I have this heart that longs for this adventure, and I don't know if there is someone else in the world that feels the exact same way as I do. I knew a girl, and I knew a boy- I know them as an example of the truest love story I've ever heard. I count myslef honored to have witnessed it in its small beginnings....I know a woman, and I know a man, and that's the love I want. Its very fascinating, but fascinating in the way that it is exactly what true love should be....but it doesn't happen often. Will I be enough? No. Only God can fill us. That's true. Neither you or me will ever be enough for the other. His presence is what gets you that deepest satisfaction. Ah, the mind knows what the heart does not. This is my head speaking, but my heart hasn't received it completely. I will never be enough. But praise God. I suppose that should take some pressure off. After all of that what I'm really thinking of is one thing. Unfortunately. It's one person. Unfortunately. God, Help. My heart don't know nothin. This is my heart: Your heart, Your eyes, Your voice, Your will. I will stand on the rock that is my salvation, You have a plan and Your hand is mighty to bring it forth. I will sing praises to Your name, Oh Lord. I delight in You, Jehova. Change my desires. Meet me on the battlefield. Uphold me, your daughter... I have full faith in You. This is all for You.